tackle See wedding tackle.
tackleshack n. Underpants.
tadger n. Penis.
tadpole yoghurt euph. A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich (qv).
tagnuts n. Winnits; dangleberries; mince medallions.
tail gunner See rear gunner.
taint n. Niffkin's bridge (qv). "Tain't arse and 'tain't fanny".
take a Chinese singing lesson euph. Have a piss.
taking Captain Pickard to warp speed TV baldy / cock euph. Masturbation; strangling Kojak.
tallywhacker n. jovial Penis; old man.
Tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch (qv); bargain bucket (qv).
tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta) n. Spud juice; semen. Literally - potato water.
taylforth 1. n. A disastrous blowjob in a car. 2. n. medic. A sudden attack of pancreatitis which can only be relieved by being sucked off in a layby.
tea towel holder euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic 'finger poke style' kitchen accessory.
teabagging v. To make a strong brew with Fussells milk (qv) and two lumps. A last resort sexual practice whereby the man lowers his pods into the lady's mouth.
teapot sucker n. A bottom-shelf drinker A teetotaller.
technicolour yawn See pavement pizza.
teggat n. A short-necked turtle's head which is unable to touch cloth, and retreats back into the bomb bay.
tennis fan n. A woman who takes the other bus to Wimbledon.
tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From ten pin bowling.
thick repeater n. A large-bore semi-automatic, single barrel mutton musket.
thrap v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right Honourable member for Underpants.
three legged beaver euph. Homosexual.
throwabout n. A petite woman who can be easily and casually 'thrown about' from one position to another during sex.
thruppeny bits rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups.
throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street euph. Newcastle Unsatisfying sex with a bucket fannied (qv) individual. As in: "Why man, it was like throwin' a fuckin' Woodbine doon Northumberland Street". Also Leeds throwing a sausage up Briggate.
thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; water closet.
thunder mug n. Chamber pot.
thunderbirds n. Women of ample proportions. Barge-arses (qv).
Tijuana cha-cha n. Diarrhoea. See sour apple quickstep.
tiffter n. An unwanted erection.
tip your concrete v. A sophisticated term for ejaculation. "Letitia was powerless to resist. His eyes burned into hers like sapphires. His strong arms enfolded her tender body as she felt herself being swept away in a whirlwind of passion. Then he dropped his dung hampers and tipped his concrete." (from 'The Officer and the Lady', by Catherine Cookson).
tit fairies n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wife's fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv) during pregnancy.
tit pants n. A bra.
tit wank See soapy tit wank.
TNTs abbr. Two nifty tits.
tongue punchbag n. A clematis; a bald man in a boat.
tonsil hockey n. Kissing. As in: "Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?"
toosh n. Totty. From US tush v. meaning arse.
toothless gibbon n. See clapping fish.
top bollocks n. Breasts.
topless hand shandy n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops (qv) for between £5 and £25.
toss v. 1. To wank. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking.
toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop.
tossing the caber v. Having one off the wrist with a 16 foot long, splintery cock.
tosspot n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit.
totty n. chauvinistic Girls; fanny. As in: "Hey, this car's a fanny magnet (qv). Since I bought it I've had to beat off the totty with a shitty stick".
touching cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head (qv) when the stool establishes contact with the undergarments. As in: "Is there a toilet anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth".
tradesmen's entrance euph. Back passage.
train See pull a train.
traveller's marrow n. A large root vegetable unconsciously cultivated on buses, which usually ripens just before your stop. Travelfat.
treading water v. Light strumming on the banjo in order to keep one's interest up during the dull plot bits in a grumbleflick (qv). To maintain a satiscraptory (qv) level of wood. 'You're under arrest, Mr. Sinstadt.' 'But officer, I wasn't wanking, I was just treading water.'
Trojan n. US. A war-like Greek contraceptive.
Trojan arse n. A toilet-bowl invasion that takes you by surprise in the middle of the night, and sends you back to bed with a look of sleepy bemusement.
trolleys n. n. n. Kecks; underpants.
tromboning v. A thoroughly impractical sex act in which the woman (or gay man) rims a man's brass eye whilst simultaneously reaching round the front to give it some elbow on his horn, the action being akin to playing a trombone. Also known as a George Jism.
trots See squirts.
trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp.
trouser department 1. n. Section of a department store dealing with men's legwear. 2. euph. Area of the body where middle age men experience problems.
trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv).
trouser trumpet n. 1. A fart. 2. The anus.
trumpeter's lips n. The involuntary pursing of the brass eye at moments of extreme fear. 'Any man who tells you he is not afraid to go into battle is either a fool or a liar. It is the fear that makes him fight. I personally had the trumpeter's lips throughout the North African campaign." (from 'The Memoirs of Field Marshal Montgomery').
tubby chaser n. A man who thinks thunderbirds (qv) are GO! eg. Geoffrey 'The Great Soprendo' Durham. Also, a woman who prefers her beefcake to be a salad dodger (qv) eg. Victoria Wood.
tubesteak n. A beef bayonet on the bone.
tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, muscular build; swamp donkey (qv).
tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.
tuna taco n. A hot dish, not requiring cutlery, served when dining at the Y If eaten with a side order of cranberry dip, could lead to a pasata grin (qv).
tuna town n. Female genitalia. See also skin boat.
tuppence licker n. Lesbian.
turkey n. The cracker you think you've pulled whilst drunk at the office Christmas party who turns out to be a rough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year.
turkey's wattle n. A ragman's coat.
turning Japanese euph. Wanking. See also grin like a wanking Jap.
turtle's head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate starfish (qv); the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building of a log cabin (qv). See also touching cloth.
turps-nudger n. A top shelf drinker "Have you seen that bloke who reads the news on Tyne Tees? Jesus, what a fucking turps nudger."
turtle's breath n. The very final warning fart before the turtle pokes its head out to autograph the gusset (qv).
twat n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge.
twat burglar n. A man, presumably wearing a mask and stripy jersey, who steals another bloke's missus.
Twin Peaks 1. n. prop. At experimental television series of the early 1990's created by David Lynch. 2. n. Tits like Audrey's in the series.
two bagger n. Someone so ugly that two bags are required it order to go quimwedging (qv) with them - one over their head and one over yours, just in case theirs falls off.
two puppies fighting in a bag euph. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts.
two up n. Two up.
Twix lips n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv). See also camel's foot.
Tyne bridge n. Descriptive of the position adopted by a dog trying to lay a particularly tenacious egg.